the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
