my mouth tastes like poor choices
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
