I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
