Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
