thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
