Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
