apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
