She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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