so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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