nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
