Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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