i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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