I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
