Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
