he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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