Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
