What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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