have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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