god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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