dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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