Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
