My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
