So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
