We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
