I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
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They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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