True but thats because hes a fetus.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
