I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
