OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
