his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
