He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
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Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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