Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
love makes seman taste better
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
