Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
