ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
