The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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