im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
