I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
