he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
