ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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