Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
