Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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