the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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