He uses pillows to masturbate.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
