just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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