When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
