OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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