I like my sex mixed with concussions.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
