i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
