A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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