I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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