i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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