JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
