Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
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