thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
