I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
