Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
