I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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