Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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