I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
