I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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