why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
